Learning from past relationships

Analyzing what works and what doesn't work to hopefully find my ultimate significant other!

Mistake #1:  Jake (3 years)
Loc: Met in high school.
Bkgnd: Messed up family, parents did drugs and were incarcerated
Good: First love, showered me with a lot of love and attention, possessive
Bad: Temper tantrum, controlling, degrading, party too much, arrogant, fat, poor diet, got upset that I did better than him academically, not encouraging me to succeed, want me to be his little woman

Mistake #2/3/4/7: Nick (2 wks) / Chuyu (1 month) / Mim's friend (3 dates) /Fran (few dates)
Loc: College/ Yahoo personal/ Mimi's friend/ Okcupid
Bkgnd: Italian/ Mainland China CS PhD/ US Cantonese CS PhD/ Irish CS PhD
Bad: Cultural barriers-- don't know rock n roll music or American culture/ nor life in Mainland or speakcc Mandarin/ nothing in common & crazy new teaching scheme talking like dad--without substance

Mistake #5: Alan (3 dates)
Loc: Match.com
Bkgnd: Cantonese, MD
Good: Tall and cute, good teeth, Cantonese, health profession
Bad: weird, stalker--showing up to parties I'm going to and then dancing w other chicks

Mistake #6: Jackson (1.5 years)
Loc: Match.com
Bkgnd: Cantonese, MD, possessive mom
Good:  cute, similar likes, both have a sister w disability
Bad: spoiled, selfish, childish--wants to prove to his brother-in-laws, when hanging out w his buddies he doesn't pick up, not communicative, doesn't express feelings, quiet, sheepish, autoimmune diseases, short,
Breakup: He started to not love me as much after I broke up with him multiple times + I called his parents names? always gambling? and he took revenge by saying my parents are poor and can't never live in LI. He was stress out with Step 1 exam. We spent time at my cousin Carol's Christmas Day party. He found my cousins too Chinese. We spent some quality time during my winter break together. We both weren't studying hard enough. I was getting stressed w the medical school application and research paper. Leaving his apt late and getting a parking ticket were the last upsets for me to tell myself "get myself together!" No more fooling around. Needed to get work done. So I wrote him an email stating that I needed time off from him so I could finish writing my research paper. I didn't contact him and ignored his emails for two weeks. He called me on the 2 weeks mark just couple of hours after I submitted the paper.
Breakup conversation:
Him: You left your clothing here and my mom did the laundry. Did you do that purposely?
Me: No. How would I know that you won't be doing your own laundry. What happened
Him: They didn't say anything. What are you doing now?
Me:  Watching a tennis match w my Dad (which was what I was doing at the moment, instead of stating that I just submitted my paper which I worked on for the past two weeks).
Him in distraught tone: You know you caused me to not able to concentrate and study. I did poorly on my exams because of you. Why can't you be more like my housemate's girlfriend? She visits every week even though she's in med school herself.
Me: "what are you trying to say?"
Him: "Let's break up."
Me:  You're kidding right?
Him: No.
Me: why?
Him: you're not hardworking, shy, you smell, and will never get into med school
Me: I'm on winter break of course I'm not as hardworking, I'm just shy in front of your parents
Him: Bye!
Me: when are you done w your Step 1?
Him: Aug. 1st.
Me. Fine. I'll call you after that.
Him: Do whatever you want. I won't answer.
The End

Mistake #8: Michael (6 months)
Loc: eHarmony
Bkgnd: Mainland China, Cantonese, lawyer
Good: we both have a busy work schedule, doesn't drink, skinny, eats semi-healthy, frugal, conservative
Bad: doesn't listen, selfish, weird, say things that do not connect/ lying (car, friend from Australia)? and would not clarify, controlling, insulting (you're not a dermatologist), terrible teeth, heartburn, extremely stressed out, very tense, bizarre gestures, relatives begging for money.
Why not to call him (things he said): "you need to eat more meat." After my rebuttal, "You read too much." Like me b/c I'm cheap. Negative comments on internet. Not for once apologize for breaking promises. Asked help w glasses and laptops. But didn't take my responses seriously. "you're silly." "You need psychiatric evaluation."


So tired of dating!!!
Criteria from Most important to Least:
1. Not selfish. Helps out when other is busy. Supportive
2. Without serious health problems
3. Honest
4. Non-smoker and no regular alcohol intake
5. Eat healthy, skinny, and exercises
6. Patient with answering questions
7. Volunteers/ good heart/ environmental
8. Cantonese speaker
9. studying/ busy work schedule (lawyer or MD) x 3 years


Lessons: 

1. Have self-confidence. 
2. Smell good and take care of self. 
3. Love should only enhances career not destroy it. Good life work balance. Good time management. 
4. Be consistent in a relationship. Don't give the silence treatment. 
5. Find a guy that is focused on us as a whole and not just HIM/ selfish!!!! 
6. Have life outside of relationship and work--exercise, volleyball, tennis, jogging, volunteering, libraries, environmental stuff--to make myself more interesting
7. Be more communicative and clear with my feelings. Don't keep emotions if they could be corrected
8. Happiness and trust

From 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, 

"He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns."

"your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously"

"deadly oppressive"

"narcissistic personality disorder"

Getting over the ex's

reference: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/56954-do-you-really-think-contacting-your-ex-going-help-you-guide-long-walk

"Do you really think contacting your ex is going to help you? Guide for the long walk

---

The absolute worst thing you can do is contact your ex (regardless of the reason). From a guys perspective, men have a far more difficult time getting over their ex. I think women have a far stronger support structure and tend to listen to the advice of family and friends; thus, when they hear enough times "that he's a jerk" and have their feelings validated by those outside the relationship, they tend to run with it.

If you have spent considerable time away from your ex, 4+ months, your gonna need a 100 yard touchdown pass to get him/her back into your life. I've been through this several times. All contacting your ex is going to do is really screw you up, like spiking yourself in the nuts with a snow shovel (know what I'm saying). You don't want to know how they are doing (its really more than you can handle). Nothing that you are doing is going to impress or endear them to you, regardless who dumped who.

I have noticed that those of us here, tend to be the ones that are plagued by the memory of loves lost. Our ex is not pimping this site. They do not sit and pine after you. They have moved on. Take this example: past behavior is the best indication of future behavior. Think back to a time when you ex discussed ex-boyfriend/girlfriend with you. Remember how they talked about them? Remember how they got over them? They are doing the same thing to you (we are very slowly accepting this and we are very, very pissed off).

In my opinion and after many conversations with guys and girls, you don't quite get over those you have been close to. If you have ever had a death in your family you will understand where I'm coming from. Regardless of time you will always have a small ache when their memory surfaces, fact.

However, the agony of loss will eventually go away. I am a firm adhearer to the concept of modeling the sucess of others to become sucessful. What I'm saying is mimic what others are doing to get yourself free. This is what I have learned.

1) Treat yourself as if you are your girlfriend/boyfriend when you first met them. how did you speak to them? Speak to yourself in the same way. Did you dress to the 9 to be more attractive for your love? Do the same for yourself now. Were you physically attentive to them? Get massages, change up your flat, put yourself in luxury. Did you workout to impress them? Exercise and get rocked up for yourself now.

2)You must treat your ex like he/she is a serial killing stalker. Avoid all (once again ALL) contact with them. Do not call, e-mail, PM, morse code, smoke signal your ex. You will go back to day one of your break up when you do this. Subconciously I think they want to hurt you, so you can hurt like they did.

3)Break your patterns. Do not drive by your ex's place, work, hangouts. You will not accomplish anything but hurting yourself. How would you feel if you see him/her with another (back to break up day 1)? Find other hangouts, other routes to work, other places to workout May cost you some extra money to change locale but it saves on the pain.

4) Become obsessed with a project (this is essential) do some thing you always wanted to do, I don't care what it is. Make sure it involves other people (makes it social). Give yourself little free time. Its when were alone that the demons come.

5) know your mind, find out when you think about your ex, and plan accordingly. I know when I'm tired or really hungry or have nothing to do, her memory surfaces (and she's a scrub). WATCH HOW YOU TALK TO YOURSELF. Congnitive Behavioral Therapy adhears to: What you think is what you feel. This for me is very true. When I feel bad, I do it to myself, not her, not you, ME.

6) Lay off serious relationships for awhile...REALLY! When you do have down time from your now hectic life, that is when you go out with friends and get your drink/party on.

7) Hook up......Yes I said hook up! People, really much of the time all we miss is the physical closeness we had with our ex (for guys this is normally 90% true). My ex was a walking version of the Blair Witch Project (that was me standing in the corner LOL). The physical was all that kept me, even when s**t was really bad. I have found now adays many people are into no strings realtionships or "booty calls" if you will (many people just don't want the hassle of being emotional, or have time for a relationship). My advice is enter into negotiations with a perspective girl/guy. Negotiations should consist of the nature of the realtionship (physical+no drama). Both parties must agree or someone is going to get hurt. I believe that once the physical is taken care of and no relationship is assumed you can be free to work on yourself. The power of the ex will be greatly diminished.

8)Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not).

8.5) After action: After you see you ex, your going to be a tad screwed up. Refer rule 1) talk to yourself like you are your significant other. Flood yourself with realistic positive comments and walk it off and GET BUSY DOING SOMETHING.

9) Alone emergency measures: A) Get busy doing something (make a card castle, exercise, whatever) B) instill this thought: My situation is not bad, there are people on this planet dying from killer waves, sleeping on the street, being abused by those who should be taking care of them or wasting away from disease, all I got is heart ache, I'm being a little B**ch. If your really hurting just roll into a cancer ward and try to explain your problem to people who are about to take a dirt nap, walk it off 

To close, I am well on my way to walking this off. Big part of it was lurking here. This is all that I have learned. You people rock. I'm gonna stick around because unknowingly you did the same for me. Point of interest, I have two dates lined up for the rest of FEB. I'm back!!! I would not change one single thing. What dosen't kill us make us stronger.

No Foolin"

"I agree that contacting your ex is a bad idea if they broke up with you. No matter what you are going to feel hurt over the break up. Calling them and letting them know about this or calling to talk about it won't make you feel better. They know where you live and know how to get in touch, so if anybody contacts anyone it should be them. This is a hard and painful fact about break ups. After the break up you're going to feel so much pain and it won't be alleviated by calling them. It won't feel better to not call them either. Waiting out the pain and moving on in your life is the only way to get over them. And that in itself is painful. So there you go. Break ups hurt, no matter what. It is like grieving a death. But waking the dead won't bring the person back. "