Learning from past relationships

Analyzing what works and what doesn't work to hopefully find my ultimate significant other!

Mistake #1:  Jake (3 years)
Loc: Met in high school.
Bkgnd: Messed up family, parents did drugs and were incarcerated
Good: First love, showered me with a lot of love and attention, possessive
Bad: Temper tantrum, controlling, degrading, party too much, arrogant, fat, poor diet, got upset that I did better than him academically, not encouraging me to succeed, want me to be his little woman

Mistake #2/3/4/7: Nick (2 wks) / Chuyu (1 month) / Mim's friend (3 dates) /Fran (few dates)
Loc: College/ Yahoo personal/ Mimi's friend/ Okcupid
Bkgnd: Italian/ Mainland China CS PhD/ US Cantonese CS PhD/ Irish CS PhD
Bad: Cultural barriers-- don't know rock n roll music or American culture/ nor life in Mainland or speakcc Mandarin/ nothing in common & crazy new teaching scheme talking like dad--without substance

Mistake #5: Alan (3 dates)
Loc: Match.com
Bkgnd: Cantonese, MD
Good: Tall and cute, good teeth, Cantonese, health profession
Bad: weird, stalker--showing up to parties I'm going to and then dancing w other chicks

Mistake #6: Jackson (1.5 years)
Loc: Match.com
Bkgnd: Cantonese, MD, possessive mom
Good:  cute, similar likes, both have a sister w disability
Bad: spoiled, selfish, childish--wants to prove to his brother-in-laws, when hanging out w his buddies he doesn't pick up, not communicative, doesn't express feelings, quiet, sheepish, autoimmune diseases, short,
Breakup: He started to not love me as much after I broke up with him multiple times + I called his parents names? always gambling? and he took revenge by saying my parents are poor and can't never live in LI. He was stress out with Step 1 exam. We spent time at my cousin Carol's Christmas Day party. He found my cousins too Chinese. We spent some quality time during my winter break together. We both weren't studying hard enough. I was getting stressed w the medical school application and research paper. Leaving his apt late and getting a parking ticket were the last upsets for me to tell myself "get myself together!" No more fooling around. Needed to get work done. So I wrote him an email stating that I needed time off from him so I could finish writing my research paper. I didn't contact him and ignored his emails for two weeks. He called me on the 2 weeks mark just couple of hours after I submitted the paper.
Breakup conversation:
Him: You left your clothing here and my mom did the laundry. Did you do that purposely?
Me: No. How would I know that you won't be doing your own laundry. What happened
Him: They didn't say anything. What are you doing now?
Me:  Watching a tennis match w my Dad (which was what I was doing at the moment, instead of stating that I just submitted my paper which I worked on for the past two weeks).
Him in distraught tone: You know you caused me to not able to concentrate and study. I did poorly on my exams because of you. Why can't you be more like my housemate's girlfriend? She visits every week even though she's in med school herself.
Me: "what are you trying to say?"
Him: "Let's break up."
Me:  You're kidding right?
Him: No.
Me: why?
Him: you're not hardworking, shy, you smell, and will never get into med school
Me: I'm on winter break of course I'm not as hardworking, I'm just shy in front of your parents
Him: Bye!
Me: when are you done w your Step 1?
Him: Aug. 1st.
Me. Fine. I'll call you after that.
Him: Do whatever you want. I won't answer.
The End

Mistake #8: Michael (6 months)
Loc: eHarmony
Bkgnd: Mainland China, Cantonese, lawyer
Good: we both have a busy work schedule, doesn't drink, skinny, eats semi-healthy, frugal, conservative
Bad: doesn't listen, selfish, weird, say things that do not connect/ lying (car, friend from Australia)? and would not clarify, controlling, insulting (you're not a dermatologist), terrible teeth, heartburn, extremely stressed out, very tense, bizarre gestures, relatives begging for money.
Why not to call him (things he said): "you need to eat more meat." After my rebuttal, "You read too much." Like me b/c I'm cheap. Negative comments on internet. Not for once apologize for breaking promises. Asked help w glasses and laptops. But didn't take my responses seriously. "you're silly." "You need psychiatric evaluation."


So tired of dating!!!
Criteria from Most important to Least:
1. Not selfish. Helps out when other is busy. Supportive
2. Without serious health problems
3. Honest
4. Non-smoker and no regular alcohol intake
5. Eat healthy, skinny, and exercises
6. Patient with answering questions
7. Volunteers/ good heart/ environmental
8. Cantonese speaker
9. studying/ busy work schedule (lawyer or MD) x 3 years


Lessons: 

1. Have self-confidence. 
2. Smell good and take care of self. 
3. Love should only enhances career not destroy it. Good life work balance. Good time management. 
4. Be consistent in a relationship. Don't give the silence treatment. 
5. Find a guy that is focused on us as a whole and not just HIM/ selfish!!!! 
6. Have life outside of relationship and work--exercise, volleyball, tennis, jogging, volunteering, libraries, environmental stuff--to make myself more interesting
7. Be more communicative and clear with my feelings. Don't keep emotions if they could be corrected
8. Happiness and trust

From 

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, 

"He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns."

"your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously"

"deadly oppressive"

"narcissistic personality disorder"