Finding Love during Medical Training

Although I wish it were not so, there is no "love potion number 9" to magically establish a relationship. Maintaining strong relationships with others, however, is vital to your well-being during training. Can you find someone during this time? Yes. How do you find someone? My advice is to start by looking inward and be honest and true to yourself. Once you build a good relationship with yourself, do the same with your friends and family, and when those are strong and healthy, you will best be able to find and hold onto a significant other. There are many books and articles that focus on the "medical marriage" and on nurturing an established relationship, but in the interest of space, this article focuses on finding love during medical training.

First, it is so important to love yourself. It seems simple, but with the long hours, negativity, and grueling demands of training, it is hard to remember. Some of us look outside ourselves to fulfill what we need inside. We are smart, accomplished physicians but we still feel small. We look for good grades and good comments from superiors to make us feel better inside. This need for approval can spill over into our relationships. The fact is that you are good enough just being you. If you really believe that, then others will, too. If they do not agree, or try to put you down, then they are not worth your time. If you are happy with yourself first, you will have so much more to give and to gain when you are in a relationship with another.

Once you learn to truly love yourself, the next step is to be honest about what you want and need. This is important in residency not only because you have limited amounts of free time, but also because it is the time when most of us are emotionally maturing. Is it important to share religious beliefs with your partner? Is it important to share outdoor interests with them? Is it important to share interests in politics? Whatever it is, give yourself the liberty to trust what you need. When you think of a golden weekend, what is it that you want to do? Run, write, paint, or sit in a cafe? Whatever it is, make sure that you nurture your core values.

Next, share these core values with others. Start with friendships. If you value cycling, for instance, find others who do as well. Join a club. Your happiness in doing things that you love will show, and it will spill out to those around you. If you love music, find a live music spot and bring along a medical colleague. Not only will you strengthen your friendship, but perhaps you will find a potential significant other. Avoid going out just to "find someone," because it often is superficial. Spend time being you and doing the things that you enjoy, and kindred spirits will be nearby. In his handbook on residency, Dr. Lyle Victor writes, "a happy marriage involves the definition of mutually agreed upon lifestyles and goals.^[1]" Establish goals for yourself; share them with someone else; and they will be much easier to embrace in a long-term relationship.

People often debate dating someone who is "in medicine" or "not in medicine." There are pros and cons to each, but no right answer. Some will say, "I only meet people at the hospital" in defense of the former. Others will say, "We always talk about medicine; I need someone who lives in the real world" to support the latter. My advice is, again, be yourself and find people who are in line with what you like -- no matter where they work.

What about Internet dating? I am a big advocate of this for medical residents. Three of my fellow residents have found their partners online and are amazingly happy. Internet dating can reduce the time you have to spend searching for someone, and it can help you find like-minded people in your area. The only pitfall to avoid is getting too overwhelmed. Remember that it is okay to be selective with your time. Your priority should be first to yourself and your patients, then to your dating. Your time is precious, and if you are not connecting with someone, politely say "no, thank you."

Once you do find someone, however, whether they are in medicine or not, it is important to communicate. Focus on the positive aspects of being a physician. Share your passions and remember why you went into medicine in the first place. There are many negative aspects of training, but try not to dwell on those when you are meeting someone. For example, if you had a difficult patient encounter before a date, feel free to share what bothered you but don't dwell on the medicine aspects. Emotions are common to all of us. Share your passions and joys.

Finally, be honest about your schedule. It is hard for anyone to understand the hours we put in during medical training. Do not try to meet someone at 6:00 pm when you know that you may not be out until 6:45. Just as you nurtured your relationship with yourself, you must nurture your relationship with another person. Even when you come home and are tired, remember that a healthy relationship is a 2-way street: You give, and they give. Feel good about giving. In his article on the well-being of physician relationships, Dr. Michael Myers states that "all relationships require care, patience, and nurturing.^[2]" Start by nurturing yourself, and that foundation will serve as fertile ground for nurturing your relationship with your partner.

Medical training is a defined period of time: for most of us, somewhere between 7 and 11 years. That is a long time to be down on yourself for not having a relationship, or for being in the wrong one. So, do what you can; enjoy who you are; share with those around you; and be excited about the potential of true happiness with someone who shares the good parts of you.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/574830