Why dumpers eventually want to reconcile; why dumpees eventually don't

There's a lot of talk on these boards about the "Grass is Greener Syndrome" (GIGS), and the possibility of reconciliation that comes with it. Yet when you look through the internet for stories of GIGS dumpers, it seems pretty common that when the dumper has a change of heart, the dumpee usually rejects the opportunity to reconcile. Why?

[I was the dumper initially, who dumped her ex monthly because of the stress with school/work. Eventually, it backfired. After being together for 19 months (with a major breakup 7 months before that), my ex reversed the plate. He said I was lazy, shy, and would probably not get into medical school. Not only did he not try to understand my situation and comfort me, he added salt to my wounds.]



I think it comes down to this: in general, people have difficulty predicting what will make them happy. For example, people commonly think that more money will make them happier. However, when lottery winners are surveyed, it turns out they are no more happy then before they won. This is because people have an amazing ability to adapt to their circumstances. In other words, once people get used to their new circumstances, they generally return to your base-line level of happiness.

[Jackson probably thought he would be happier without me. My behavior was very erratic. I would say how much I missed him and loved him, and then turn around the next day, due to a mixed of stress and insecurity, and propose breakups. He cried the first time. He didn't answer my phone call for few days when I tried to reconcile the second time. He became more distant with each stunt. Before he dumped me, he said I affected his schoolwork because I didn't communicate with him for a week (I was working on my research paper). He complained about me only seeing him once every 1-2 months while his housemate's girlfriend visited his housemate weekly. My response, "what are you trying to say here?!"]


This is what happens with a GIGS dumper. The high they get from their new-found freedom lets them have a great time clubbing, drinking, and dating new guys. But when that high wares off, they start to realize the downsides - clubs are loud and full of creeps, going out for drinks is extremely expensive, and these new guys (even if they are nice) have various faults. So they become just as happy (or unhappy?) outside the relationship as they were inside the relationship, and doubts about their decision to break-up begin to sink in. This is the realization that the grass really isn't greener (and, according to what I've seen here, this can happen anywhere from 6-24 months after the breakup).

[He wanted to meet more people and have more friends. He thought I was too attached to him. I don't know if he is still the same old self or has he matured? Is he ready to devote more time to one special someone now? I was a product of a rebound. He dated me six months after his first girlfriend (who his mom introduced him) dumped him. I was the one who told him that he needed to open a new chapter in his life--someone that is better and nicer to him. Did he ever get over her? Was I being insecure again? Yes. But he made me feel that way. He looked at other girls in Chinatown. He called me too attached when I spent more than a night with him. He then complained when I gave him more time. Did the constant hurting of his feelings erase the trust he had for me? Why am I letting myself be manipulated? Why am I acting so cheap? He called me stupid once and he said my parents could never afford living in Long Island. WTF. He treated his mother like dirt. His mom is a bitch. His middle sister, Linda, was as much a bitch as her mom.]

Note that it doesn't always work like this. If the relationship was actually a bad one (with cheating, abuse, etc.), then the dumper still might be happier outside of the relationship - perhaps just not as happy as they initially thought.


[How would I know if he cheated on me? He didn't. He was pretty loyal. He lied to me in the beginning of the relationship. But that was before we committed to each other.]

However, if the dumper comes crawling back to the dumpee, they often get shot down. This is because the exact opposite happens to the dumpee. Just as we have a difficult time predicting what will make us happy, we also have a difficult time predicting what will make us miserable. After the initial shock and horror of getting dumped, most people start to realize that it isn't so bad. They too eventually return to their base-level of happiness. Or if you follow the advice commonly given here (meet new people, start new hobbies, and work on yourself), you (the dumpee) may eventually be happier than you were in the old relationship.


[Did I make Jackson's life more miserable? Can I regain his trust? I need confidence. I need to be more independent and not be so sticky as a pot-sticker. I need to learn to make sacrifices to make a guy want to keep me and marry me. But am I acting desperate to wanting to go back to him? How much do I really value this relationship? Maybe I'm just craving for romance and trying to beat the biological clock. Yes. Maybe it's from watching Bottled Passion. Yes. Maybe I'm lonely and just want a companion. Yes. Then, when I have time-- Look and seek. Sure, with hard work, someone better will come along. It's just the dopamine and endorphine that are lingering in my head. I could only remember the happy time, not the hurtful time. Have faith. Let nature take its course.]

So when the opportunity presents itself 6-24 months down the line, the dumper is often just beginning to mourn for the relationship. On the other hand, you're probably over it by that point and have made yourself into a happier and better person. And for you, the dumpee, returning to the old relationship doesn't seem quite as appealing as it did when the break-up wounds were fresh.


[I am a happier and better person. I still have my stress. I still lack the confidence and I still have a lot to do before earning the big bucks. My goal is to make $300K. Am I ready to be in a relationship where I may need to postpone my plan? Maybe I shouldn't date until I'm ready--when I have money and Dad's not in debt. When my family is in a comfortable position, then I have less stress. I would then have more confidence and more time to devote to dating and expanding on my love life.]


http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t310401/

Yahoo advice on "Im a first time dumpee how do you cope?"
Don't be sad!! just forget about him you will find someone better than him...someone who will treat you better.... so Smile ^_^   As for first time be dumped...it hurt kinda but you'll get over it.


[12/26/2011 9:34PM: I'm so frustrated at the moment. My left hip and abdomen have been aching since 4-5pm. I've been feeling sick since this morning. My sister said she'll give me the apt till Wednesday to study for my Step II CK and then she texted me asking if she could come back today. What can I say? "No." It's her apt after all. Her spouse is so inconsiderate--first thing he cleaned the sink that wasn't draining. It was distracting. He blamed me for causing the clog. Come on... I'm trying to study here. It's been a couple of hours now... still angry at him. He was vacuuming behind my desk... why vacuum now?! He told me to go to the room to study since he'll be making a lot of noise. WTF!


I'm just in pain and in a lot of stress right now. Can't deal with inconsiderate men. My sister apologized for coming home early and apologized again for making the noise. Why can't men be more like my sister?! It makes me wonder if I could deal with men for life.


I'm very irritated at the moment! I know I need to relax, but just let me rant for now.]